FOSTER: The morning-after pill

Steph Foster
Humor Columnist

Hopefully someone is still reading after reading the title. I figure that nothing I could say could be offensive enough to, say, provoke people to grab huge stacks of The Review out of their designated spots and throw them in the Carey Center garbage cans. I don’t think anyone could write anything that horrible. (P.S. Congratulations to the girl’s tennis team on an undefeated season.)
The couple of days after the election always give me a huge headache (maybe now you understand the “morning after pill” business). I was in high school during the last election year, so somewhere in the middle of finding the need to hug my friends in the hall after every class and finding ways to dress identically to them, I was pretending to understand political issues; the whole thing was just so tiresome and confusing.
There are often a lot of questions about what exactly will happen when our new president takes his throne. Don’t fear, however; this is a guide to all of your likely post-election experiences. Due to deadline restrictions, I’ve written this article before the election even takes place, but here is my personal prediction of what will happen. Take heed, because my prediction is important, because all of my opinions are really, really important. I have a feeling that I’ll most likely end up being right because I always am, sometimes.
I have surmised that Mitt Romney will win the 2012 presidential election. In his ensuing speech, he will clarify that “Mitt” is, indeed, NOT short for “Mittens.” He’ll thank his wife, to whom he probably hasn’t paid any attention for months, and he’ll bless the goodness of his sons. Inside of his sons will grow larger the seeds of resentment that grow within all children whose dads spent more time “making time” in the Oval Office than taking them to baseball games or ballet lessons or whatever it is that the Romney boys do—which is probably ballet lessons or polygamous marriage lessons, because, in case the media hasn’t reminded you, the Romney family is Mormon. Go to http://www.mormon.org for more details and stuff.
OR…
Obama will win the election, and Chris Matthews will finally be diagnosed with restless leg syndrome (See Youtube: keywords “Chris, Matthews, Tingly, Leg”), which is no laughing matter. My grandma has Restless Leg Syndrome. Furthermore, Biden will be outed as a Republican sleeper agent whose sole mission was to sabotage the Democratic ticket with racist gaffes and general buffoonery. Obama will strap on his job helmet and climb into the federal “This Is What We Really Mean by Job Creation” cannon. Ben Bernanke will light the cannon, flinging Obama to Job Island, where he will plant his magic job seeds, thus creating jobs.
Job job job.
Ron Paul will appear at the last minute, screaming “I object!” and marching into the House of Congress in a stunning coup d’état. There is a strong following on the internet that suggests that this actually will happen.
Both Romney and Obama will fail to endorse the virtues of cat ownership, for a record 247th time. Nobody cares about Barack Obama’s dog. And apparently, Romney doesn’t care about his own dog either, unless it’s strapped to the roof of his car (more things for you to look up on YouTube!).
Someone will demand a recount, because the system surely couldn’t have gotten it right the first time.
News stations will start talking about possible candidates and outcomes of the 2016 election somewhere around December of 2012.
Everyone will pretend that things are going to change for the better.
Hopefully, if all goes according to plan, the world will happily end on December 21, 2012, and I won’t have to read people’s earth-shattering Facebook political opinions anymore.

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