FOSTER: 50 Shades of awful

Steph Foster
Humor Columnist

That title is in no way any reference to a book that my mother is reading right now, despite my insistences that it is not only a poor excuse for fiction, but also jeopardizes my ability to look her in the eye. Old women do gross things.
Speaking of books, and speaking of awful things, this semester has been pretty awful, at least for a good natured, wholesome, law-abiding citizen such as myself (see last week’s article for details on how to be a person that doesn’t suck). I changed my major twice, because I realized that I suck. I stopped folding my clothes after washing them and have instead resorted to Olympic-style diving through my laundry basket every morning, because I suck. And this week, a favorite teacher of mine beat me up…EMOTIONALLY. But really. She found out that nobody in the class had read the book that we had been assigned to read, let alone bothered to buy it. (Myself included, but I think I’m a little less guilty than everyone else; I have a rampant history of underachieving, and she should have expected that by now.) Regardless of our reasons for not buying the book, she was livid, and she should have been. She yelled at us for approximately twelve minutes while I sat in my chair and thought of painless ways to commit suicide after class. Then she gave us a speech about how we are turning into a society of motionless, brain-dead individuals who can’t think for ourselves and take everything at face value. I spent that entire night—after a long nap, a family sized bag of chips, and several hours of Dogs 101—trying to not be a brain-dead zombie-person. I also learned that pugs are brachiocephalic. They are also pretty darn cute.
No, but really, she was right. If Saint Vincent College is serving as a microcosm of the world, then I don’t want to live on this planet anymore. Nobody on this darn campus could point to Uganda on a map in 2012, and this year nobody is going to be able to find Chechnya either. I do my assignments the hour before they’re due, and last week I saw some kid in the library writing his entire senior thesis the hour before it was due. He and I are probably a match made in heaven. Too bad I have a boyfriend.
So I guess to end this year’s collection of fantastically-written and lovingly-assembled articles, I’d like to conclude by giving you the Ten Best Snippets of Conversation that Sum up the SVC Student Body. I have collected these, over time, in the part of my brain devoted to recording moments of prime human idiocy. Over the summer, I want everyone to think long and hard about how much we all need to improve ourselves. Do not stop, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
10) “Is Chechnya in Africa?” I overheard this on campus on the very day that I wrote this article.
9) “I can’t believe I failed. I’m having my parents call Dean Kaylor.” Come on, even I didn’t do that.
8) “I wonder how many free beers I can get from Pat if I pull down my shirt.” If you’re reading this, you know who you are, and your friends know who you are. And I know who you are. And I am judging you. And you all know who Pat is. I do not know Pat, however, because Falbo’s is nothing more than a trap. I understand that he “forgets” to charge everyone for drinks, and you can get drunk for the price of a box of Cheez-its, but…
7) “I’m riding solo.” I still don’t know what this means, but I know that it’s a line from a terrible, terrible song.
6) “I don’t drink that much. She was already on the floor when I got there.” Yes.
5) “Is the drinking age 21 in every state?”
4) “(Insert professor’s name here) accused you of plagiarism too?”
3) “I ALSO have ‘carpe diem’ tattooed on my biceps!”
2) “I’m in love with Taylor Swift’s new album!”
1) “Saint Vincent football is a tradition that we can’t go without!”
All complaints, hate mail and intelligently-worded death threats can be sent to me via house mail. Thank you for your time.

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