FOSTER: Cotillion, but also Popes and snakes

Steph Foster
Humor Columnist

See in dictionary: SVC Cotillion.
In the month that The Review was on hiatus, I learned two things. Number one: People really like popes. Popes are apparently really cool. The day that the new pope was inaugurated/elected/abducted, people were getting excited about Pope Francis and his slobbery, hound dog jowls like I have never seen before. (I stole that from The Onion. I am not going to try to pretend that I was clever enough to draw the witty comparison between the leader of all Catholics everywhere and the mouth folds of basset hounds.) People were literally running around the Carey Center screaming, crying, high-fiving, hugging and shouting “First South American pope!” To this, there is one thing I have to say: His heritage is actually full-blooded Italian. Or so says the Internet. So there.
Second thing I learned: The SVC community does not deserve nice things. This has been illustrated by two examples: a disaster at Cotillion that I’m sure might be censored from this article, and the student population’s disregard for rules. (Editor’s note: No such censorship occurred; Steph just used ‘potential censorship’ as an excuse to not actually write about Cotillion. Clever tactic.)
For example, a couple of weeks ago, there was word that someone in an unmentionable dorm kept an unmentionable creature of slithery repute in their room. I won’t tell you what it was, but it wasn’t a cat and it wasn’t a hamster and it was a snake. I’m not mentioning this so that all prefects everywhere can go on an eternal hunt to right all things wrong with the world, but because when people do things like this, they ruin it for everyone else, for the people who want to have a normal college experience, in unusually small classes, living in an already overcrowded dorm with thieves who do things like take your laundry detergent if you leave it in the laundry room. This happens regularly, and I really miss my Gain Apple Mango Tango.
But incidents like this are why we can’t have nice things. Several months ago, at a college in Florida, a student was keeping a boa constrictor as a pet in his dorm. He insisted that the snake was not only super friendly, but also super cool and super in a cage all the time. His super-cagedness didn’t really work out though, because the snake ended up escaping said cage, slithering out under a door and entering another student’s dorm, where he proceeded to choke that student to death. They only found the dead student after a strange smell started to emanate from his room, because he was a biology major, and biology majors never stop studying anyway, which is why nobody bothered to look for him. Then his parents sued the school, not because of the incident, but because it allowed their son to become a biology major in the first place and zap him of all creativity in place of learning about telomeres and frogs.
Of course, this scenario did not happen, although I wish it did, because I hate snakes and I hate the state of Florida, so this horrible scenario would have been justified in my mind. (Other states and places that I hate: California, people from California, New York, people from New York, any place where it snows, and any place where it is a common colloquialism to say “you look fierce” in response to someone’s fashion choices.)  I also wish that I would’ve been a biology major instead studying English and Theology, because we all know that after graduation, I’ll have absolutely nothing going on. The point here is that people seem to be breaking big rules for their own personal gain, but when you break those rules, you affect other people. I would just about have a heart attack if a snake slithered into my dorm, but since I’m convinced that everyone is out to get me, I’m convinced that it’ll happen one day anyway.

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